Sunday, 25 December 2011


"It is a real pity that one must die to be able to get your innocence back."- the old crippled man said to the very tall man whose white long hair dissipated in his white robe.

-"One cannot get back to innocence,one can just learn and and try to not repeat the same mistakes to really experience the return to a starting point."

Life and Death are exactly like man and woman, without any respective reference of course. What I mean to say is that they are naturally bonded and from their unicity we all exist and cease to exist eventually.
The first time I was confronted with LIFE-DEATH  was when I killed a frog in my hometown Acapulco,in Mexico.I was a child living in one only awareness: Me. I did not know for certain that this animal would stop moving when I threw the stone over it hitting it.But it happened so quickly,I aimed at it and at my first shot I missed the most vital parts;then in the second shot I was already aware that I had hurt it,but did I want to really kill it by instinct,fear or because of a primitive sense of killing, or was I empathetic enough at the age of 8 that I wanted to end its misery...which I myself had started?

My second face-to-face battle with LIFE-DEATH was when I had to kill my dog,named Rocky because he had been poisoned. I had to; I had the consciousness right now because I saw it suffering, I did want to end his misery but in my heart I was feeling the same heartbeat as him, I was dying,too with the thought of Rocky leaving...where? I did not know and that scared me,as well,not knowing what happens after life, what is Death? What happens to us when we all get there? Do we all get there? This way?

Of course that I did not wonder about all this Life-Death dilemma when I ate any kind of meat,chicken, pork, beef, rabbit, etc. I just had my mouth open to food and the offer was abundant, so I never questioned this, the only thing was to get aware, as time passed by.

Most recently, Lama Thubten,one of my dear Spiritual guides said told a group of students of Buddhism that when you get to a farm house of chickens you can feel their suffering, so this is the Dharma path, to feel and empathise with other sentient beings and to wish for their well and do everything in our hands to prevent them from pain.

My third encounter happened when I faced my grandmother's Death, it needed many more years for me to call it what it is: energy transformation. At that moment when I was twelve and I had woken up to a Monday morning waiting for my parents to take me to primary school,my last year of studies there. My mother used to prepare my lunch in the morning so I was eating well at school and not eating all the certain junk they sold there. They had just arrived from Puebla, the state where my grandmother had lived all her life, and where she had died,too.

Photo by Jose C Carranza Castorena
It was my mother who brought up the answer to my question of "How is my grandmother?" I knew already that she was sick, I did not understand how bad liver cancer was, but I knew it was not the heaven they told me about in church.

The answer was simple: "Your Granny, my dear...she has already died my darling." She said it with a smoothness and almost a whisper in her voice; but that combination of the truth told in a whisper and the sweetness of my mum's voice was more painful than I imagined. I remember crying rivers in front of my friend Ricardo, who was there waiting for me to go for the ride to school. I do not remember the rest of that day, it is a blank in my mind and I think that deep down in my memory there is a dark hidden space where that day is kept, but I decided to erase it, like many things we just prefer to forget in order to survive,without confronting the pain we experienced, or the memory of that pain "be able to move on in life." I was totally wrong.

Once again, it was a baggage of souvenirs in my soul that kept the nice feelings of her love and care for me which made me realize that letting go of her memory in my mind, and in my body was difficult when it feels so right and good to be loved, and in Death, the survivor goes through the unbearable inferno of knowing they love back,too. No matter how many times you showed it, or did not do so,there is always a part of us that flows along with Death and it is most probably the golden coins we have to pay for our attachment.

After many years had passed,and the pain buried under a pile of "todays" and present instants when I thought I was already done with it,I met the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.It sounds strange now that I say it this way.

We met in party of one of my French friends,I had been on my own for about 3 years and enjoying myself quite a lot.At least that's what you get used to thinking and many times the training of your mind gets lost in the habit of doing everything on your own and for yourself,even though you just crave for having someone to share your life with. I found my craving satisfied when I saw Alexandra. She was genuinely honest and made me scared to begin with. I did not know what to say to her but the usual stupid stuff party boys go for like " Are you enjoying the party? Hee hee!"

Anyway,I believe that we are magnets in this world and we attract what and who we need in time,how we feel, how we think and how we see ourselves in the mirror take the most important role in our stay here; yet all the gifts that life has prepared for all of us never come unless we are prepared to receive them. Life thought I was prepared.

But then if you are not prepared and you receive your gift and afterwards you decide that you do not want it anymore,or are not completely fulfilled with it,well life takes it away from you. After 3 years of marriage with our ups and downs, I decided my path was to be followed in Nepal,I wanted out,and this was not a mafia I was dealing with,just my wife,the woman I had chosen to be with the rest of my life and make happy. Little did I know that all the promises broken would come back to haunt my heart when after more than 6 months later I went back to Mexico city to find a job in a de luxe spa in Los Cabos,leaving Alexandra once again behind,fearful of confronting her and telling her that I loved her and that I was sorry for everything.

Photo by Jose C Carranza Castorena
But Death has as well some important lessons for us to learn, and sometimes they are very hard ones. I had barely been working for 14 days at that spa when I received an urgent  phone call from my younger sister. I did not answer at that moment for I was off that day and she did not reach me,but one receptionist called me at my mobile phone and gave me the message that I should call her back urgently. I had been dealing with a terrible pain in the inner side of my left foot,so I immediately thought it was something to do with my mother.

Everything that is not said and done in life,when we are still alive will be gone when Death comes. Take every chance of life to do and say what is necessary to be in peace of mind and heart and soul.There is nothing like it!

Remember the duality of existence LIFE-DEATH is eternal,we have to understand the lessons of Life and the lessons of Death,for when we die and make that leap of energy into something else, we are able to think "I have led a good life...and now I am ready for a good Death!"

Everything moves constantly and changes into something else...transitions in between Life and Death! 

Keep Breathing!

Bada Dill